Deborah Beck Busis, LCSW, Director, Cognitive Behavioral Wellness Coaching Program
Fear of failure is one of the most common—and most underrecognized—barriers to lasting weight loss. Most of the clients we’ve worked with have a long history of past attempts to lose weight and get healthier that ultimately weren’t successful long term. Understandably, they have a strong fear of failing again.
This fear of failure often shows up in subtle ways. They may put off getting started or wait for the “perfect time.” They may constantly make plans but not take action, start and stop repeatedly, or seek certainty from the very start. Fear is one of the biggest impediments to individuals who want to lose weight because it undermines their belief in themselves and their ability to be successful. They often have thoughts like, “I always fail,” “If I try, I’ll just end up disappointed again, so why bother?” and “Other people can do it, but I can’t.”
How Does CBT Coaching Help?
When our clients express thoughts like these, we first remind them that thoughts are just thoughts. Thoughts are not necessarily facts and just because they think something, doesn’t automatically mean it’s true. Just because they feel helpless doesn’t actually mean they are. We help our clients understand why their previous attempts weren’t successful. Usually their previous attempts involved unrealistic or unsustainable plans, buying into all-or-nothing thinking (e.g., “Since I wasn’t perfect following my plan, that means I failed”) and expecting perfection from themselves instead of progress. Other clients may have tried to make big changes too quickly, experienced periods of high stress or emotional overwhelm without knowing how to cope, or lacked accountability and support.
We next remind clients that learning to gain control over their eating, lose weight, and achieve their health goals comes down to learning and practicing specific skills. It’s a skill-acquisition process just like any other, and the reason they haven’t been successful in the past is not because they didn’t want it enough, and not because they weren’t motivated or disciplined enough; it was because they didn’t yet know how.
One essential skill, for example, is responding effectively to unhelpful thoughts that sabotage their efforts (e.g., “It won’t matter if I eat this food I hadn’t planned,” “I can’t disappoint my family by not keeping [large] bags of chips in the house,” “I’ll start again tomorrow.”)
It’s Okay to Make Mistakes!
We often use the following analogy: No one would expect to sit down at a piano for the very first time and expect to play a symphony flawlessly. Of course not! What would they expect? They’d get a virtual or live tutor, learn how to read music step by step, start out learning easier pieces, and get better with practice. As long as they kept working at it, and accepted lots of mistakes (e.g., hitting wrong notes) along the way, they would get to the point where they could play the piano with confidence.
Many of our clients feel relief when we relate this analogy because they’ve been blaming themselves for not being successful. The analogy helps them understand that learning to gain control over their eating is a process that begins with learning the easiest skills (such as reminding themselves of the advantages of controlling their eating and enjoying every bite). They practice these skills until they can do them every day, and then they learn the next set of skills.
They also feel relieved to know that not only is it okay to make mistakes, they’re supposed to make mistakes, as anyone does in any learning process. We teach our clients not to view mistakes as evidence that they can’t do it, but as opportunities to gather information and learn how to handle a similar situation in the future. We remind our clients that no one would expect them to learn how to play tennis without missing a ball. In fact, even professional tennis players miss balls! They don’t take it as indication that they can’t play tennis—instead, they just try to hit the next one. The goal is not perfection; it’s learning to quickly get right back on track without criticizing themselves.
Ultimately, CBT-based coaching helps clients stop viewing themselves as failures and instead, as individuals who can learn specific techniquesto manage their eating. Every time they make a mistake, they have the opportunity to fortify the habit of getting back on track right away. Fear of failure is common and understandable, especially for those with difficult and frustrating past experiences. But learning and practicing some essential skills with a compassionate and knowledgeable coach means they can finally succeed and achieve a goal that is important to them.
Do you need help achieving your personal health goals, managing stress, improving sleep, or beginning and sticking to an exercise program? Our Wellness Coaching program can help you with this and much more! We offer one-on-one coaching, live and recorded workshops and webinars, group coaching, and online resources to help support your wellness journey. Learn more and get started today!