Deborah Beck Busis, LCSW, Director, Cognitive Behavioral Wellness Coaching Program
If there’s someone in your life whose weight and overall health you’re worried about, watching them struggle can be painful. Of course you want to help, but the way you go about it makes all the difference. One thing I’ve heard repeatedly from my clients in the past fifteen years is that the people who often want to help them the most sometimes end up making things more difficult. So many of them can remember comments from family members or close friends that led them to feel ashamed or angry. These people often believe that reminders and warnings will help motivate my clients, but frequently such attempts have the opposite effect.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) teaches us that lasting behavior change is influenced by what we think and feel. When conversations with others lead people to feel judged, ashamed, or criticized, they’re more likely to become discouraged, avoid the topic altogether, or even turn to food for comfort. Supportive relationships, on the other hand, help people build confidence, resilience, and motivation.
What Actually Helps?
One of the most helpful things you can do is ask permission before offering advice. It may sound simple, but there’s a big difference between saying, “You really need to stop eating like that,” and asking, “Would you like to talk about how you’re feeling about your health?” The first assumes they are doing something wrong and need to be corrected. The second communicates respect and opens the door for an honest conversation.
Another powerful way to help is to focus on health rather than appearance. Comments like “You’ll look so much better if you lose weight” may be intended as encouragement, but they reinforce the idea that a person’s worth is tied to their size. Instead, talk about goals that matter to them. Perhaps they’d like to have more energy to play with their grandchildren, reduce joint pain, sleep better, or improve their blood sugar. These kinds of goals tend to be much more meaningful and sustainable than simply trying to reach a certain number on the scale.
It’s also important to recognize that change is hard—even when someone wants it. Most people already know what they’re “supposed” to be doing. They don’t usually need more information; they need support in putting that information into practice consistently. CBT emphasizes breaking large goals into manageable steps because success builds confidence. Encouraging small victories—like taking a walk in the evening or cooking dinner at home—can be much more motivating than focusing on how much weight someone still has to lose.
Many clients have shared stories about comments that stayed with them for years. Some describe family members pointing out everything they ate during holidays. Others recall spouses saying things like, “Are you sure you should be eating that?” or parents making jokes about their weight in front of others. While these comments often come from concern rather than cruelty, they almost always leave people feeling embarrassed or defeated. Instead of increasing motivation, they often increase self-criticism—and self-criticism rarely leads to lasting change.
What Do Helpful Family Members Have in Common?
They ask how they can help. They listen more than they lecture. They celebrate effort rather than perfection. They offer to go for walks together, cook healthy meals together, or keep tempting foods out of shared spaces if requested. They understand that setbacks are part of the process rather than evidence of failure.
One CBT principle that applies to everyone—not just the person trying to lose weight—is learning to notice automatic thoughts. If your loved one declines dessert after working hard all week, and your first thought is, “I should compliment them,” pause for a moment. If saying that will make them feel capable and supported, go ahead and offer praise. On the other hand, they may prefer that you not say anything. If you’re not sure, ask! Your first instinct when they eat something indulgent may be to point it out, but again, you should pause. If they might feel criticized or shamed, it’s probably better not to say anything at all. A brief moment of reflection can ensure that your comments are helpful instead of undermining.
Another helpful shift is to separate the person from the behavior. Your loved one is not “lazy,” “undisciplined,” or “lacking willpower.” Eating and activity habits are influenced by stress, sleep, emotions, routines, medical conditions, genetics, and environment. When we view behavior as something that can be changed rather than as a character flaw, we’re more likely to respond with curiosity instead of criticism.
Perhaps the greatest gift you can offer is patience. Lasting lifestyle changes rarely happen quickly or perfectly. People often make progress, hit obstacles, regroup, and continue moving forward. Having someone beside them who believes in their ability to change—even during difficult weeks—can make an enormous difference.
If you’re concerned about someone you love, remember that your relationship is more valuable than any number on the scale. The goal isn’t to become their coach, food police, or accountability partner unless they’ve specifically asked you to. The goal is to be someone they feel safe talking to, someone who notices their efforts, and someone who reminds them that they are valued regardless of where they are in their journey.
Do you need help achieving your personal health goals, managing stress, improving sleep, or beginning and sticking to an exercise program? Our Wellness Coaching program can help you with this and much more! We offer one-on-one coaching, live and recorded workshops and webinars, group coaching, and online resources to help support your wellness journey. Learn more and get started today!